Here’s a column that I wrote way back in 2011. It was brewing for about 25 years when I wrote it, and nearly 15 years later, I can say it still largely holds true. Leadership is lonely, and even if you are surrounded by a great team, you should never be too surprised to find out there are, and will be, times when you are alone.
Many years ago, my wife and I went out for drinks with another couple that we considered close friends. He was a minister, and she was the classic minister’s wife; but to us, they were nothing more than good friends. Just before our evening ended, she shared something that I knew she had long held deep inside. She confided in us that she never really knew who their friends were, and who was just being friendly. Although I could sincerely assure her of our genuine friendship, deep down inside, I could sympathize. I knew that feeling all too well myself: “Who are my friends, and who is just being friendly?”
Leadership was never something I sought out. Instead, leadership voids and opportunities somehow always managed to seek me out – in my community, in my church, and especially in my business life. As the second oldest child in a family of five kids, it was never a role I was naturally comfortable with. (So, after 40 years of discomfort, please forgive me if I now shed a tear in my beer.)
Over the years, I recall many circumstances where the “friend or just friendly” question entered my mind. Once, after a dinner cruise with the whole company that was fully paid for by the company, a spontaneous after-party was organized and everyone else was invited except me, because I was the boss. Another moment that caused me great pause was at a funeral, when no one in the company thought to send flowers. These were just little things were outside of the normal working day, but pretty big in 'life', that were reminders that as friendly as people are, its different than genuine friendship.
Most leaders I talk with have similar stories, and many have developed ways of coping with it or accepting that's how it has to be. There are times when your decisions are not going to be popular, and times when the consensus opinion wouldn't be taking the company in the right direction. For me, though, being a “relational creature,” I found this aspect of leadership more difficult than most.
However, I did find support, encouragement and comfort in the company of other business leaders. With other company founders and leaders, regardless of company size, instant, genuine and lasting connections were quickly made. Sometimes, even with competitors.
In the early days, I recall while visiting key customers, the company leader would often spontaneously invite me into his or her office and we would chat for an hour or so. I felt privileged to be mentored by these leaders of companies that were 10 (and sometimes 50) times larger than mine. Sometimes they were even my competitors.
What seemed quite spontaneous in those early years became much more intentional as my own company grew, and I began to assume the role of mentor myself, eagerly seeking out opportunities for spontaneous chats with other emerging leaders. (So here’s a quick word of thanks to H, S, J, R, M and T, for all the spontaneous chats along the way. You know who you are!)
One of my favourite movies is “Master and Commander,” in which a British sea captain pushes his crew to the limit during the Napoleonic War. The captain constantly has his eye on the horizon, focusing on the ship’s purpose, destiny and destination, (which is to track down and destroy a formidable French war vessel), while the rest of the crew focuses on specific things on the ship, like the rigging, the supplies, the food and the living conditions. Because the captain is looking forward (as he must), his vulnerable back is to his crew, and he needs to rely on a faithful “second in command” to protect it. Remember, any time a vote is taken on a ship that’s already at sail, it’s not a democracy – it’s a mutiny.
Much like most growth-focused companies, the leader needs a constant focus on the company’s destiny and relies on trusted individuals to look after the equally critical responsibilities delegated to them. But, like in the movie, this can strain even the strongest relationships to the breaking point. There are many times when the course towards the ship’s destiny appears opposite to the interests and concerns of the crew, even when achieving the destiny is in the best interest of the whole crew. Leadership requires input from the group; but leadership itself is not a group activity.
There are so many benefits and rewards that go along with being a leader, especially in business. A leader can make a difference in many people’s lives, creating opportunities, enabling futures, and inspiring or encouraging dreams. More than any individual perk or benefit, these are the rewards that I believe fuel true leaders, because great leaders don’t just lead, they serve a greater goal while being mindful of the common good.
Leadership is a tremendous privilege that can be very lonely. But, it doesn't have to be.
Postscript, December 2024: if you are a leader and this topic resonates with you, consider joining a peer-to-peer network for CEOs, founders and business leaders. If you are located in Ontario (Canada), checkout Innovators Alliance at innovators.org Or, you can also consider hiring an entrepreneurial coach. Check out: Should You Hire an Entrepreneurial Coach?
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